[Lesson 5 in a series on juggling roles, relationships and responsibilities.]
Life
is filled with stages. This is evident
in our children’s wardrobes. It isn’t
just the sizes that change, but the style and who gets to decide what is worn. Looking at pictures of my daughter growing up,
you can tell exactly when she started having a say in what she wore – gone was
the fooffy and frilly. Who and what
level of influence is even more evident in the progression of my son’s clothing
styles over the years. I’ve seen it all
(and with those oversized baggy pants, I mean I’ve seen it ALL). My kids are now adults and may not dress
exactly the way I want them to, but they would have a lot bigger problem if at
their age I did control exactly what they wore.
Life,
like clothing, is full of stages. The
parenting relationship also has to change from being in a necessary position of
complete control to earned and sought out influence. For the most part, the stages flow into each
other as the child goes from birth to self-sufficiency. (I’m not sure “flow” is the right term,
except that a raging river is said to “flow” despite rapids and waterfalls on
its fast moving journey.)
The
responsibility of a parent is to give her children deep roots and strong wings:
deep roots to know who they are and a secure sense of where they come from and
belong, as well as strong wings to take them as far as they can dream. Accomplishing both is a challenge,
hard work and takes time – time that doesn’t stand still or wait. It is a process of holding securely and
eventually letting go. And don’t think
for a minute that it is an easy one. Of
all God’s creation, humans have the hardest time releasing their offspring to
fly. But fly they must. Someday your little ones will have to
fly.
The
question is: Are you flying? Does
your relationship with your parent(s) give you the freedom to fly (and at times
flop) with a safe place to land when needed?
This brings us to the topic at
hand: A Little Girl’s Bonnet on a
Grown Woman’s Head. How do you have
an adult relationship with your parent?
How do you influence and demonstrate an adult relationship with them
that sets the example for your child to someday pattern his or her own
relationship with you?
Only
God could possibly have just the right counsel for each and every one of us
wherever we are in the relationship spectrum from healthy (mentally,
emotionally and spiritually) to severely dysfunctional. Personalities,
temperaments, circumstances, specific situations, past experiences, how they
were parented, all goes into the mix. If
there was a specific guideline that works regardless of all the
components that are involved, it has to come from the only one who is
all-knowing. There is. He doesn’t give us a long list. He doesn’t justify it with ifs and conditions. He does say you are blessed by Him if you do
– life will be long, and cursed if you don’t – life will be long
(Deut. 27:16). And talking to grown men
and women He says:
And God spoke all these words … "Honor
your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord
your God is giving you.” Exodus 20:1,12
God
wasn’t talking to just the children. He was talking to those with
children and parents and in-laws. We
might get that impression from Ephesians 6:1-3, because Paul does address his
comments to “children”.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for
this is right. "Honor your father and mother "--which is the first
commandment with a promise-- "that it may go well with you and that you
may enjoy long life on the earth." Ephesians 6:1-3
The
Ten Commandments in entirety, including and especially the fifth one, was given
to adults. Honoring your parent(s) is
meant to be an adult thing – adult to adult.
Obedience
is a choice. When your children are
young, you choose for them to be obedient to all that is involved in
this command. The closer they get to self-sufficiency,
the more the choice is theirs. As an
adult you are to choose to honor your parents.
I
hear what you are thinking: “Easy for you to say? You don’t know my Mom or my Dad or my
Mother-in-law or my Father-in-law.” You
are right. It is easy for me to say
this. And not because my parents are hundreds
of miles away and hanging up is easier than walking away. It is easy because God said it. He knows your Mom and your Dad and your
in-laws. He looked down on several
million people the day He first spoke this command. He knew about each personality clash and each
conflict. He knew their past and
everything that would happen in the future.
And He said, “Honor them!”
Regardless of the who or the when or the whatever, He knows it is the
very best for everyone involved – everyone!
So
what exactly is the Lord asking you to do when He tells you to honor your Mom
and/or Dad? The Hebrew word is kabed.
It is actually a measuring term that means “heavy – to give or have
greater weight.” When putting something
on a balance, a heavier weight was kabed. When you honor your parents, they “carry or
have more weight.” For example, their
advice should carry more weight than anyone else’s counsel. You are wise to carefully evaluate the
counsel of the two people who know and love you most. They have a vested interest in your happiness
and success. Their needs should carry
more weight and given higher priority.
When
Moses was overloaded with the responsibility of leading two million plus people
to God’s land of promise, his father-in-law took him aside and gave him some
unsolicited advice. Moses definitely
didn’t have to do what Jethro recommended.
In his position, the only one he had to obey was God. Moses didn’t have to listen to Jethro, but he
honored his father-in-law. He recognized
it to be good counsel.
Moses listened to his
father-in-law and did everything he said. Exodus 18:24
And
God blessed it.
What
is kabed has more influence then
something else, but not necessarily everything else. Honoring means that if
they get a vote in the matter, their combined vote counts as 1-1/2. That does not mean they out vote you. When you married your husband, the two of you
became one.
For this reason a man will leave his father
and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. Ephesians 5:31
Marital
math has its own formula. 1 + 1 = 1 It is just a bigger ONE with twice the vote
and weight in the matters pertaining to you individually, as a couple or as a
family. The word translated “united” (or
in some translations “cleave”) means “to glue, to be bonded together.” A farming term that means the same thing is
“yoked.” When you got married, you were
“yoked” together – a partnership that makes decisions as one. Just like 1 + 1 = 1, when you vote together
you double the vote, but divided you each only have half. It is when you are not of one mind that a
parent’s or in-law’s opinion can out weight you.
Honoring
your parent comes directly on the heels of Ephesians 6:1.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for
this is right. Ephesians 6:1
The
word translated “obey” is hupakauo,
which literally means “to hear through” – to listen to something completely and
responding accordingly with full understanding.
As an adult you do not have to do what they say just because they say
it. But you should listen carefully, take
into consideration what they have to say, and respond respectfully.
Respect
is key to honoring your parents. Respect
keeps roots intact, but also secures the freedom to fly. Respect stands up for everyone
involved. Respect is what God requires
of you.
Each of you must respect his mother and
father, and you must observe my Sabbaths. I am the Lord your God. Leviticus 19:3
Respect
(yare) means to treat with a sense of
worth, to assign value to. It is unconditional.
I’d love to give you a good excuse or two that would negate this
command. I’d love to have a few of my
own, but God says, “Just do it!”
· If they are annoying, treat with
respect.
· If they are demanding, treat with respect.
· If they are unrealistic, treat with
respect.
· If they don’t know when to stop, treat with
respect.
· If they express an opinion on matters where
they don’t have a vote, treat with respect.
· If they are hopeless, will never change, no
matter what you do you won’t please them or gain their approval, treat with
respect
Respect
is responding with grace. Grace is the manifestation of the attributes and
characteristics of Christ regardless of what is or isn’t deserved.
Respect
requires:
-
Choosing to
love them even when they aren’t very lovable.
"If you love those who love you, what
credit is that to you? Even `sinners' love those who love them. Luke 6:32
- Going
forward with joy: a sense of well-being when happiness is just not happening.
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever
you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith
develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be
mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4
-
Pursuing
peace regardless the personal cost or sacrifice.
If it is possible, as far as it
depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18
- Being
patient – remembering God is at work and time is always part of His process.
Let your forbearing* spirit be
known to all men. Philippians 4:5NAS
(* Forbearing: to be patient or
self-controlled when subject to annoyance or provocation.)
-
Kindness: compassion
in action – treating others with the kind of thoughtfulness with which you
would like to be treated.
So in everything, do to others what you would
have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. Matthew 7:12
-
Aims for
what is best, thus chooses goodness – what is beneficial and profitable for
everyone involved.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever
is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is
admirable --if anything is excellent or praiseworthy --think about such things.
Philippians 4:8
-
Being
faithful to all and with all that has been entrusted to you.
To the faithful you show yourself faithful,
to the blameless you show yourself blameless,
Psalm 18:25
-
Speaking and
treating them with gentleness: being strong within and controlled without.
Be completely humble and gentle;
be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephesians 4:2
-
Under
control! Self-control is not self
in control, but self fully submitted to the Holy Spirits control.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy,
peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.
Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:22,23
The
only way this kind of respect is even the slightest bit possible is by being
filled with Holy Spirit. These required
elements are all evidence of Christ’s lordship in the area of your relationship
with your parent(s) and in-law(s).
It
won’t be easy. There is always hope that over time, with practice, it
may get that way, but there is no guarantee.
It will, however, be rewarded by God.
Honor your father and mother
"--which is the first commandment with a promise— Ephesians 6:2
And
God always keeps His promises. His
promise in this one is:
… that it may go well with you
and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." Ephesians 6:3
The
word “well” (eu) means good. This is the same promise given in Romans
8:28.
And we know that in all things God works for
the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
“Long
life” promised in Ephesians 6:3 is makrochronios -
maximizing time. He promises to make the most of the days He
gives you.
You
can have a big influence in realizing this promise of having a long enjoyable
life early in your child’s adulthood by the precedence you set. The way you treat your parent(s) and
in-law(s), more likely than not, will be how your children will treat you. They will speak to you with respect, if they
hear and see you respect your parents. They will assure you have an influence and are
a vital part of your grandchildren’s lives, if they personally
experience the value and blessing of having a good relationship with their own
grandparents. If you don’t have a good relationship with their grandparents, do
not expect your children to have a good relationship with your parents, nor for
your children to go to the extra effort for their children to have a good
relationship with you.
It
will come full circle. You will receive
what you give. Give honor, get
honor. The result is that you will be
blessed all the way around – now and then, with your parents and later with
your adult children!
