I hate confrontation!
If there is any way of avoiding it, that is where I want to hide. Truth
is, avoidance is more about me then them. If we are not careful, so can being
confrontational. Godly confrontation is always about others. It is agape
love in action: choosing to care about another and prioritizing what is best
for him/her. As Daniel stated in Daniel 11:1NIV, caring means
deciding to “take my stand to support and protect him.” When that
someone is or about to hurt themselves or others, that means confronting with
the truth.
In 1 Samuel 19:1-3,
Jonathan found himself in the position of needing to confront his father, King
Saul. He knew full well that confrontation involved risk. Being his son
and heir apparent didn’t protect him from any possible backlash. He knew his
father’s temper and power. Later (1 Samuel 20:30-33) he would be the target of
Saul’s anger and spear throwing. But he loved his father; he loved David like a
brother. Love justified risk. So, when King Saul orders him and Saul’s servants
to kill David, he knew confrontation was unavoidable. In 1 Samuel 19:4,5,
he provides us with a wonderful model of confrontation to follow.
1. Plan when
Jonathan hadn't talked to
his father yet when he warned David. He had not taken the
"obvious" opportunity or "seized the moment" to "set
his father straight." He knew his father was acting foolishly.
He also knew Saul would not hear truth in his present state of mind.
As Proverbs 23:9 states, "Do not speak in the hearing of a fool,
for he will despise the wisdom of your words."
When there is an important
truth that needs to be heard, we need to make sure it can and will be heard.
In the "heat of the moment" is never the right time.
Jonathan didn't react, but gave himself time to respond carefully.
2. Seek a neutral setting.
1 Samuel 19:3 tells us
Jonathan met with his father out in the field. He knew King Saul would not hear
him anywhere else, especially in his place of power. For Saul that would
obviously be his throne room or banquet hall, where everything reminded him
that he was king: he had rights, he had power! He would be less likely to
listen to constructive criticism in that setting.
The same thing applies when
the one being confronted is in the place of power of the one doing the
confronting. It can be intimating and make them defensive. I don’t
know where Jonathan’s place of power was, where Jonathan had the upper hand,
his place of control, but be assured Saul would have known. When it comes to
godly confrontation, we need to know our and their place of power as well.
Jonathan met with his
father on the natural ground of a field, most likely doing something
neutral like taking a walk or even target practice (the 1000 BC equivalent of
shooting some hoops or tossing around a football - which may not be a neutral
activity depending on how competitive they were.)
3. Meet privately
Jesus gave the same counsel
in Matthew 18:15-17.
Keep it personal. It
becomes a power play when others are involved. If and when they refuse to
listen and the issue is important, involving those they respect may be
necessary. Meeting one-on-one breaches barriers and reduces
defensiveness.
Please note: personal does
not necessarily mean private. In abusive or volatile relationships,
public is prudent (i.e. a restaurant, public park or mall.)
4. Do not accuse or
verbally attack.
Jonathan didn't attack or
berate him. He avoided the "deadly you" that accomplishes
nothing. We know exactly what that "YOU" sounds like! It
is pronounced from our "divine" perspective. Its purpose is to
put them in their place. Note: he also avoided the caustic "always"
and "never."
Respect goes a long way.
Luke 6:31 says, "Treat others the same way you want them to treat
you." Paul asked the Corinthians in 1 Corinthians 4:21, "What
do you desire? Shall I come to you with a rod, or with love and a spirit
of gentleness?" We all want to be treated with dignity and
respect.
We need to recognize that
attacking their character, judging their motives and beating them with the past
is rooted in self-oriented power. There is no room in godly confrontation
for hurting, getting even, embarrassing or teaching them a lesson.
You can only speak for you, share your opinion, perspective and what you
believe to be right and true.
5. Truthfully address
the issue with gentleness.
Both 1 Corinthians 4:21 and
Galatians 6:1 speak about confronting with a "spirit of
gentleness." There is a tendency to make gentleness weak and
powerless. It is quite the opposite. Gentleness is being strong
within and controlled without. It is power under the control of love and
grace.
We are told to "speak truth in love" in Ephesians4:15. That means there is no agenda or power play. Truth means an
accurate retelling of what is or has occurred. As stated before,
love means choosing to care and prioritize what is best for them.
Gentleness does not mean the truth is diluted. Sin is still
identified as sin. Gentleness, however, means that "the facts"
are not used as a weapon.
6. Dwell on the positive
and point out the benefits of doing the right thing.
Unfortunately, with Saul
that meant Jonathan had to appeal to his self-serving heart. "...
his deeds have been very beneficial to you." Self-anchored
behavior is most likely the reason confrontation is even necessary, thus often
where you have to begin.
7. Leave the choice up to
him/her.
The intent of godly
confrontation is awareness and knowledge. It is not about controlling
what they do from here on out. You are sharing your perspective and
opinion. You can express what you would like them to do and/or even what
you think they should do, but the choice is always theirs, as is the
consequences that come with their decisions.
When we omit this vital
step, the other steps can be undermined as they can still feel like they are
being told what to do. Repeat: what they do with what you have
shared with them and what they do from this point forward really is
their choice and their responsibility.
This time Jonathan was able
to reason with his father. The relationship between Saul and David
was temporarily restored. See 1 Samuel 19:6,7. Unfortunately,
even if you follow this model of godly confrontation there are no guarantees of
success. Actually, if you are trying to get them to see or do things your way,
you may have more "success" demanding, intimidating, threatening,
manipulating, etc. and in the end need some godly confrontation yourself.
You can make sure they know you are "right," but still be
terribly wrong, as the absence of grace and glory is
woefully obvious. Out of incredible grace, the Holy Spirit will
gently confront you about your attitude and motive, but like Jonathan's model,
He will leave the choice up to you.
Making it Personal
What
risk do you face in confronting others? How does agape love outweigh the
risk?
What
is your discerning point of necessary involvement?
What
is the danger of reactionary confrontation? In your personal experience,
has that lead to or thwarted godly confrontation? What does or
should preparing to respond entail?
Why is it important for you
to know your place of power, as well as the one you need to
confront? Where is your place of power? Can you think of times you used
(abused) it?
How can you treat with
respect those whose behavior is unrespectable?
Does appealing to their
narcissism seem counterintuitive to godliness? Be honest, when being
confronted what approach works best regarding you? Does God appeal to
your self-interest when confronting you?
What is your “usual” intent
regarding confrontation? How well has telling them what they should do worked
for you (or them) in the past? Why is leaving the choice up to them also
an act of entrustment to the Lord?
Is godly confrontation
worth the risk (and effort) if there are no guarantees?
